This is one of the harder posts I’ve written. Not difficult to write but difficult to admit and put out there publicly…
I have always struggled with me weight. I feel like most
girls/women people struggle with that at some point.
My weight has always fluctuated, even as a kid. I remember being 8 years old and having to get size Large tops being devastated. I think it doesn’t help that I’ve always been tall, 5’8 to be exact. I was one of the few girls who was in the back row on class picture day. So not only was I fat, I was tall.
Just big all around.
At 19 I lost weight. I wasn’t taking care of myself. By 20-21 I was really struggling with keeping up with the people around me, I refused to be the “fat” friend. I started making myself sick, which until today, right now in this blog I have denied because who really wants to admit they had an eating disorder?
I was dating a guy, who I will call Dick. He was pretty superficial and would make comments about my weight. I thought if I was skinny he would stay. I thought skinny=beautiful. I was going through a lot emotionally and that asshole didn’t help much. I’ve struggled with not “being enough” for as long as I can remember.
When Dick eventually broke up with me-the first time, I was devastated. I gained back some weight. We got back together, I started making myself sick again. This went on for almost 3 years. The back and forth. Every time Dick broke up with me I would eat. A lot. When we would start hanging out again I would start making myself sick or starve myself. Not a good cycle.
We broke up for the last time shortly before I moved to Oregon.
Then I just drank a whole lot. Which caused a lot of weight gain. Then I got pregnant, which caused a lot more weight gain. The funny thing is I thought I looked pretty good during my pregnancy. Then I had Emerson and even though I wasn’t eat poorly or unhealthy, I started gaining a lot of weight, quickly.
Fast forward to 16 months post-partum and I am huge. I am the biggest I have ever been. No matter what I do, I keep gaining weight. It creeps into every aspect of my life. I don’t want to see people who knew me pre-baby because I am embarrassed. I don’t want to go on walks/run like I used to because 1-I physically struggle and 2- I am pretty sure people will look and judge me. The list goes on.
What really makes me sad is that there is so much pressure to be skinny. So many products have been pushed on me, so many workouts, so many diets. Leave me alone! It took me 10 months to grow my giant baby. Why can’t the world give women some time time 9-10 months or more to get back to pre-baby weight. If we are being completely honest most women will never get back to their pre-baby weight and we shouldn’t need to. Growing a baby is a magical, wonderful thing. It also changes your body a lot. I’m all about ENCOURAGING people to be healthy but shoving wraps, patches, lotions, pills etc down each other’s throats isn’t the way..
I am on a weighting (see what I did there) list at the doctor’s office because they have an overflow for new patients. I
am ready to get healthy, not just for myself but for Emerson.
I would like to note that I stopped making myself sick when I actually got really sick in 2012. I had terrible gallstones and was having gallbladder attacks so frequently I thought I was dying, that led to a botched gallbladder removal, which led to 10 days in the hospital and months of recovery.
I’m making some lifestyle changes. Part of that is moving home and being surrounded by the people who love me most and who will build me up, encourage me and help me when I fall.
I was going to add random pictures of me over the years but decided not to. I’m not really into before and after photos, especially when the before is the skinny one!