Wish we could turn back time, to the good ol’ days

I thought today was going to be a regular day. I needed to take my sister to school, run some errands, clean up around the house, get Emerson ready for therapy on his new day. Just a normal, boring, uneventful day.

Marissa and I were running late, as usual…I wonder if we had been on time if I would have missed him.

I wish I had missed him.

Have you ever loved someone more than they love you? Have you ever wanted more out of a relationship than your partner? I have. When I was 19, I met a boy. I fell hard. I fell fast. We were careless. We lost a baby. It ended. I was devastated.

A few years later he came back into my life. He was broken. Really broken. I was finally at a good place. I really thought I had my shit together. I thought I could fix him. I thought I could save him.

He left one cold December night. With promises of a better life. Promises that he was going to get help. Promises that he was going to get better. Promises that were quickly broken.

I wrote him letters for every night he would be gone. I wrote about all the things we wanted for our future… together. All the things we were going to do and see. I wrote about how thankful I was that he was back. How this was our second chance.

I held onto his promises for far too long.

I couldn’t save him. I didn’t save him. I lost myself. Again. I let him break me. Again.

It took me a LONG time to pull myself together. I changed my number. I moved. My best friend let me cry. A lot.

I think about him sometimes. Usually late at night when the world is quiet and my mind won’t slow down.

Then today. I saw him standing there. I couldn’t make myself look away. It was quick, so quick that I thought I imagined him. My heart hurts a litttle. It hurts for what could have been. What should have been.

I look at Emerson and I am so thankful things worked out the way they did. I wouldn’t have moved away. I wouldn’t have met Alex. I wouldn’t have Emerson. And a world without Emerson isn’t a place I could live.

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